Thoughts:

Right now my thoughts are so jumbled. I'm writing this, but it is sort of a desperate attempt at just journaling anything. I feel like my brain is just in a haze, like a fuzzy membrane clouding any reason and judgment. I broke up with my girlfriend on Friday. I believe it was the right thing to do, the relationship was wrong for reasons I don't want to say for the sake of both our reputations; but I miss her. The truth is I could have fought through it and made it work; lightened up on issues I care so deeply about, and taken a harder stand on the moral issues that truly are important. But the reality is that I didn't want to with her, it just didn't "feel" right. Does that even make sense? Now I feel like I let her down, I let my family down, I let my friends down. I'm surrounded by disappointment and dismay. I get the same response: "you're not getting any younger". I want to punch them in the face. I'm 27. Geeze. Maybe I wait till I'm 35 to get married. Good Lord, there are worse things in life, am I the only one who thinks that? Is that selfish? I don't care.

So now I am wondering, am I trusting the Lord? Do I even know how to do that anymore? I have a mountain of debt that I hate. A pile of unaccomplished goals. Another pile of accomplished goals. A pit I keep throwing dreams into (storage for better days). A list of wants and desires that may or may not be what God wants for me. And while I'm not aimless, I feel listless. I working to finish a Master's degree. I'm going to be in business and make enough money to get out of debt and support a family, and eventually do missions work full time. But maybe my eventually is when I'm 42. Will someone please be proud of that? Will someone please care about that? Will someone please value me based on who I am and what God is doing through me, not based on my ability to pick a "winner". Not my desire (or lack of) to start a family?

So what? I'm working. Paying my bills. Going to school. Life is amazing, even if I feel like my head is in a fishbowl. Did I do the right thing in breaking up with a girl who wanted to be with me? Yes I did. Do I believe God has the "One" out there for me? I don't know. Do I believe God is faithful? I think so. But I like to think i am learning more and more each day. So even if I think I believe today, tomorrow will be another opportunity to believe and trust and learn. Leaning not on my understanding, and trusting in the Lord.