Christmas:

This Christmas was a challenge in more ways than one. First, my family is significantly different than I, primarily in the content of their thoughts. The way we think is similar- but not what we think about. Which makes for some challenging situations- like being around so many "niggers" and having someone look at you the wrong way merits a fight- trivial silliness. Second, DeRidder Louisiana is a tiny town where everything is closed by 9, except the small bar (which was just opened 8 months ago and is the hottest thing in town) which closes at midnight. Thirdly, my grandparents are in their 80's and my PawPaw, who I idolize, the once purple heart/silver star awarded marine who killed people and smiled about it and judo champion who could kick anyone's ass, is getting old. How sad it is for such a man to be debased into such childishness. It is the way life works, and he is still more man than 99% of the people I know. It just makes me sad. Fourthly, I was reading a lot and writing a ton and I was dealing with my own sinfulness and lack of connection with God. Fifthly, I was thinking heavily on the things I had accomplished or not accomplished at 27 and trying to develop a solid plan on how to get where I need to and want to be. I'm behind and I'm not sure when I'll catch up. Let me just tell you that the woman who can steal my heart will have to be pretty damn tough.

I am very seriously thinking of becoming catholic. But don't tell my protestant friends, they'll think I've lost it. And don't tell my family, they'll think I'm doing it to impress my heroic PawPaw. Truth be told, I think there is a lot of value to repeating prayers and saying the Rosary. The Spiritual disciplines of Augustine and Ignatius are to be commended, but in the protestant world we seem to shy away from the past and look only to the future. While there must be an important balance, the dessert fathers have a lot to teach us and we do a disservice to our selves and our posterity by rejecting their teachings.

I need to write more. Not that I think I am any good at it, but it helps me to clear my head. I think I wrote 25 pages in my journal by hand! It's been years since I wrote that much by hand. I spoke with an old friend who is living in DC and working in the political realm, and I am jealous. When i am done with my MA, I do think I will move out there and do something similar. But for the next year (assuming he likes what i have to give him) i am going to write for the company he edits for; to learn and grow in my abilities as a writer and commentator on our current cultural and economic state.

Happy new year people. Have fun and be safe.

A quick note on revolution:

"Against the insidious wiles of foreign influence, (I conjure you to believe me fellow citizens) the jealousy of a free people ought to be constantly awake; since history and experience prove that foreign influence is one of the most baneful foes of Republican Government."
-George Washington, Farewell Address, September 19, 1796

In our pursuit of "progress" I am wondering if we haven't lost ourselves. Our new president (and please think logically about what I'm saying, I mean NO disrespect) built the most effective campaign of all time on marketing strategy and one slogan, "change".

"Better be despised for too anxious apprehensions, than ruined by too confident security."
-Edmund Burke

Burke is considered the "father of conservatism" and his quotes resonate with me. Often I am chastised for having strong opinions and many conservatives are chastised in this day for "fear mongering". And yet it was Edmund Burke who was one of the strongest proponents of the American Revolution; and freedom, who reminds us that to be despised is OKAY. I wonder if the American Revolution would work today? If the people of this nation existed in the 1700's in equal proportions to the numbers of the "new world" and old England; would the revolution have been won, and the even bigger question, would it even be fought?

I will no longer support a nation that kills it's babies in the name of "choice". I will no longer support government social programs like public education and welfare and medical (in this state) as long as they exist to enable the lazy and reward those who learn the "system" and then live by it. Especially when that system is one that promotes socialism and humanist principles. I will no longer live to promote the false security created by "the greatest nation on Earth" when we give ourselves freely to foreign powers.

The Union Tribune had an editorial article on the Republican Party and this was the catch phrase, "Unless the Republican Party ends its self-imposed captivity to social fundamentalists, it will spend a long time in the political wilderness." So here we are. The democrats today are not the democrats of the 50's people. The liberal compromise of the Democrats was won them a seat in power, but the answer is not a watering down of values and morals and a reducing to another common denominator lower; the answer is vision.

We need a leader who can unify the country and build on freedom and history. The tradition of this country is strong, but it has been hijacked by a minority of people who have prostituted our values, morals, trade, and law. We need a leader who will stand on innovation and AMERICAN INDEPENDENCE. We need a leader who promotes personal responsibility for actions and requires accountability from elected and appointed officials. We need a leader who will promote prosperity through deregulation and free trade among Americans, lowering taxes and reducing the bureaucracy that our government has become.

I'm done with what America has become; we need change, but not to shirk the past, to embrace it. Where are the Edmund Burke's? The George Washington's? The Thomas Paine's? The John Adam's?

The day before yesterday became this morning

My thoughts are silenced. My words are not enough. I cannot illicit the type of emotion from my readers that must come for words to come to life. When reading, there is no inflection in these words, no way to tell what my intention behind them is. The difference between a good writer and a great one is the ability to draw emotion out from the reader. Without ever meeting you these words should grip your attention like a satin vice, gently caressing your attention while holding your intrigue like a bulldog. There should be an intertwined interchange of ideas as you read what is written and process it in your wit and intelligence. But I am not capable. These words are found dripping like molasses in February; boring and flaccid. How sad a day that i cannot write with the passion and persistence that I once could. And yet... it doesn't matter does it? Who reads this? I do. It is therapy. It always has been.

Thoughts:

Right now my thoughts are so jumbled. I'm writing this, but it is sort of a desperate attempt at just journaling anything. I feel like my brain is just in a haze, like a fuzzy membrane clouding any reason and judgment. I broke up with my girlfriend on Friday. I believe it was the right thing to do, the relationship was wrong for reasons I don't want to say for the sake of both our reputations; but I miss her. The truth is I could have fought through it and made it work; lightened up on issues I care so deeply about, and taken a harder stand on the moral issues that truly are important. But the reality is that I didn't want to with her, it just didn't "feel" right. Does that even make sense? Now I feel like I let her down, I let my family down, I let my friends down. I'm surrounded by disappointment and dismay. I get the same response: "you're not getting any younger". I want to punch them in the face. I'm 27. Geeze. Maybe I wait till I'm 35 to get married. Good Lord, there are worse things in life, am I the only one who thinks that? Is that selfish? I don't care.

So now I am wondering, am I trusting the Lord? Do I even know how to do that anymore? I have a mountain of debt that I hate. A pile of unaccomplished goals. Another pile of accomplished goals. A pit I keep throwing dreams into (storage for better days). A list of wants and desires that may or may not be what God wants for me. And while I'm not aimless, I feel listless. I working to finish a Master's degree. I'm going to be in business and make enough money to get out of debt and support a family, and eventually do missions work full time. But maybe my eventually is when I'm 42. Will someone please be proud of that? Will someone please care about that? Will someone please value me based on who I am and what God is doing through me, not based on my ability to pick a "winner". Not my desire (or lack of) to start a family?

So what? I'm working. Paying my bills. Going to school. Life is amazing, even if I feel like my head is in a fishbowl. Did I do the right thing in breaking up with a girl who wanted to be with me? Yes I did. Do I believe God has the "One" out there for me? I don't know. Do I believe God is faithful? I think so. But I like to think i am learning more and more each day. So even if I think I believe today, tomorrow will be another opportunity to believe and trust and learn. Leaning not on my understanding, and trusting in the Lord.

So... Do we really want to "spread the wealth"?

Socialist Countries who “SPREAD THE WEALTH”:

Claim Marxist-Leninist Philosophy:

• China - People's Republic of China (Zhōnghuá Rénmín Gònghéguó) (since October 1, 1949)
• Cuba - Republic of Cuba (República de Cuba) (since January 1, 1959) ^[2]
• Laos - Lao People's Democratic Republic (Sathalanalat Paxathipatai Paxaxon Lao) (since December 2, 1975)^{[citation needed]}
• Vietnam - Socialist Republic of Vietnam (Cộng hòa Xã hội Chủ nghĩa Việt Nam) (since July 2, 1976) ^[3]

Non-Marxist-Leninist

These are countries whose constitutions make references to socialism, but do not subscribe to Marxist-Leninist ideology. As such, they represent a wide variety of different interpretations of the term socialism.

• North Korea - Democratic People's Republic of Korea (Choson-minjujuui-inmin-konghwaguk) (since September 9, 1948) ^[4] (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• People's Republic of Bangladesh (Gônoprojatontri Bangladesh) (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Arab Republic of Egypt (Gumhūriyyet Maṣr el-ʿArabiyyah) (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Cooperative Republic of Guyana (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Republic of India (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Great Socialist People's Libyan Arab Jamahiriya
• Portuguese Republic (República Portuguesa) (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Democratic Socialist Republic of Sri Lanka (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Syrian Arab Republic (de facto single-party state ruled by the Ba'ath Party, retains constitutional references to socialism)
• United Republic of Tanzania (retains constitutional references to socialism)
• Bolivarian Republic of Venezuela (República Bolivariana de Venezuela) (informal)

Which of these countries do WE WANT TO BE MORE LIKE? N. Korea or China? India? I hear the un-touchables have it pretty good.

All information taken from Wikipedia

Today...

I feel weird. I don't know if it's the lack of sleep, the lack of food, or the combination of both, but I feel off. Last night the prayer meeting was very good. Our old friend George spoke, and he spoke of justice, the Justice God brings. He spoke against Roe V. Wade and the murder of millions of babies since January 22, 1973. He spoke out against the supreme court judges who, from the bench, make laws- not interpret the law as they were directed to do.
I could not help but say thank you to the Lord for NOT being aborted. Think about it, you may well not be here if your mother had chosen to kill you while you were still forming in her belly. My own mother must have contemplated the difficulty of trying to raise me alone and I am sure that she had considered how much easier it would have been if she just made that ball of flesh disappear. How much easier would her life had been if I wasn't there to hold her back. How much easier would college have been for a young single mother if she didn't have to lug this baby around on her hip. How much easier would it have been to simply make that problem disappear. I for one am glad that I wasn't made to disappear. I for one am glad that MY mother gave me life.
Think for one moment about the MILLIONS who started life JUST LIKE YOU, but they were not given the chance for life. Of course those millions that have been aborted were just balls of flesh right? Just DNA balled up in a womb? At what point does DNA flesh turn into a human in your eyes? When you can measure a heartbeat? When brain waves can be detected? When the hands can be seen? After only ONE month all organs are distinct in the embryo of our children. After 2 months fingers are present, after 3 months our children have their own unique fingerprints. So at what point do embryos become babies?
Then a gentleman name Eddie spoke (actually he spoke before George did), and this one really touched my heart because he was full of zeal and passion. He goes to school at UCSD, and has for four years. He stood and spoke with passion and conviction. I wanted to go ask him, how do you hold on to your zeal? How does the conviction that you speak with stay with you?
I feel like I used to speak with that sort of conviction. I used to feel the fire of God burning in my heart and, while I know God is still there, I don't feel that same burning conviction. Of course I know the answer. I know why the fire doesn't burn quite so hot. It's because of compromise in my life. I have allowed my eyes to witness things that have dampened my spirit. I have sinned and that has grieved the Holy Spirit.
Lord, send your fire on my heart and breath new life into me. I want to burn with holy fire and you are the only one who can give it to me. I want to see the world like you see the world, and only your eyes will do Father. Today is your day. This country is yours and I cry out Father for your touch. I pray for more that religious zeal, I pray for a Moses encounter Lord! You have brought me this far, you have protected me and saved me from myself and the world. Please now reveal yourself to me I pray. I love you God. More of you.

The other side...

Learning to see life from another perspective is HARD! I find that I am utterly incapable of seeing life from someone else's eyes. Lord help me! The big question is, even if I can see and truly understand someone else's perspective, what happens when their perspective on life is wrong? What if their experiences and choices have led them to a world-view that is anti-biblical? How do i respond? How do I act? Do I say anything?

Jesus said this in Matthew 5:43-48:

"You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect."

So I love those who hate me, how much more will I love those I disagree with? Let's define love:

1. "A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
   
2. A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
3. To have an intense emotional attachment to: loves his house.
4. To embrace or caress.
5. To have sexual intercourse with."

Love is more than an ineffable 'feeling' isn't it? Cannot love be expressed in terms of commitment, loyalty and actions? Love is often expressed by parents when they spank their children for doing something that will harm them, isn't it? Love is not blindly accepting another's beliefs and philosophies. Love is not allowing people to do whatever they want. If you have a deep, tender feeling of affection, you truly want what is best for the person you love, not ehri own opinions. And the same is true vis-a-versa. If I am truly loved, I expect those who love me to give me their input and express their concern for me and any areas of my life that may be harmful to myself or others.

Fasting:

Fast (according to the Blue Letter Bible):
To abstain as a religious exercise from food and drink: either entirely, if the fast lasted but a single day, or from customary and choice nourishment, if it continued several days.

I have an idea of what a fast looks like. so this morning I did a little research, just a very little bit and this is one tidbit of what I found:

Isaiah 58:5-12

Is this the kind of fast I have chosen, My idea of a fast: Humility.
only a day for a man to humble himself?
Is it only for bowing one's head like a reed
and for lying on sackcloth and ashes?
Is that what you call a fast, God’s challenge!!
a day acceptable to the LORD ?

"Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice God’s Idea of a fast: Humility and service!!
and untie the cords of the yoke, Loose the chains of injustice
to set the oppressed free Set the oppressed free
and break every yoke? Break every yoke!

Is it not to share your food with the hungry Share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter— Provide shelter for the homeless
when you see the naked, to clothe him, Clothe the naked
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn, IF you fast as is required (see verses
and your healing will quickly appear; above)… THEN etc etc…
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; Again, the Lord answers IF the fast is lived
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I. from the heart as required.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry If you SPEND yourself on behalf of the
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed, hungry and oppressed, THEN…
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always; God will do this IF we live the fast…
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins We will do this IF we live the fast…
and will raise up the age-old foundations; REVIVAL!!
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

I spend about $15 per day in food costs, in theory I could give $105 to the poor in this one week. I spend about 1.5 hours per day eating. In theory I could spend about 10.5 hours with the homeless this week. Hum... Fasting is kind of a big deal.

So... I deleted my space, and you know what that means:

I need somewhere to write! So here I am. I had this nifty journal that i was writing in, but it's been put on the shelf until my special someone gives it back to me. Until then, it's the world wide web (who calls it that anymore?!) for me. So my heart is excited today. Joined with hundreds of thousands of believers in my state we pray and fast and cry out on behalf of our country and state. But I think the most exciting thing for me is what is happening in my heart. I found a document at the call website about purity; I was convicted (Click Here for the Call).
I feel convicted because my heart is not pure, not like Jesus requires anyway. I know there is no way to be perfect, that's the reason Jesus came in the first place, but my desire is to live a sinless life, wholly dedicated to the Lord and totally sold out for the Kingdom. But I haven't been as diligent as I know I should be. I am convicted to live a life that I haven't been living. Is it too late? Can I live the life I should and want to? What about now? How about today?
Life has been easy for me. My parents have worked hard and they have provided for nearly every need. The only hardship (nearly) has been self-inflicted and self-preserved. I don't need to enumerate the ways that i have shot myself in the foot, but here I am. I try very hard to work hard and be a good man. I try very hard to be faithful and loyal and true to the cause of Christ. The hard reality is that in all my trying and striving, I can't get the job done, and it is only by amazing grace (as we sing) that I am given access to the Father.
So now, I fast and pray with thousands of others, joined in one epic chorus to the Father; PLEASE HELP US!! We are desperate. We are tearing down the alters of our fathers. We are burning the idols of our generation. I am burning the bridges to anywhere away from you. Is it now? Should I be extreme? Should I be wild? Where are the men of the Bible? Where are the women of Acts? Why don't we see healing and miracles? My Father please speak to me, I long to hear your voice and be captivated by you once again.
What alters have our fathers set up? To "security" in government entities and leaders. To money and wealth. Alters they have bowed down to worship their heritage and family linage. Alters of power and prestige. What idols have my generation worshiped? Fame and fortune. Beauty and hedonism. Sexuality has become our identity. Rebellion and independence have fueled our fires rather than humility and dependence on the Lord. God forgive us.
Help me stand strong and live by the boundaries YOU set for me. Help me to be a man and lead with integrity and honor. Help me God to serve you because I love you, not the approval of my peers. God I want to be honest and true, not just with my words, but with my thoughts and motivation as well.
Lord help me to build alters to you with the sacrifice of my life as the worship and incense that rises to your holy hill. God as we tear down the idols of our generation God help us to replace the vacuum with your creativity and blessing. As the idols of Hollywood are TORN DOWN, I pray for the broken lives and lost souls who NEED your touch Jesus. Lord as I am humbled under your hand, help me to sin no more and live as your son lived. Thanks. Jesus Thank you. Your will be done in my life. Your will be done in my city. Your will be done in my friends. Your Will.

New...

New seasons bring new blogs. I used to journal entirely via paperback journals, now it's more like 90% blogs and 10% paper. I share most of my life with anyone who will choose to read, although I reserve my most intimate concerns and thoughts for my paper journal. So my life has changed a bit recently in 2 major ways: 1st, I have a girlfriend and 2nd, I changed positions at work. So now I have to learn to be 'coupled' which is weird a little for me, I have been single for so long, i have to remember how to be 'with' someone. But it's a good thing :-) At work the change of position is in one way excellent because the stress level went down about 99%, but I also can't help but feel a little defeated, especially because I have been here for an entire year and this is really a downward move for me. But It is new opportunity to grow!!!